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For the last couple of days, I've been arguing with myself about this blog post. Should I put it up? How will people think of me? Can I really write about something that, for the longest time, made me despise myself?
And you know what? I can put this up and get these thoughts out. It's time I fully accept myself, enough so to talk about things that bother me on this here personal blog. So here it is...
Maybe it started with all those romance books, where the heroine would always be so 'special' that this guy would fall head over heels for her no matter what she said or did. Maybe it was all the video games, where the main character was special enough to be chosen to rescue everyone. Either way, by the time I got to high school, I was a terrible mixture of the following:
1.) Stepford Smiler
2.) I just want to be special
3.) Romantic Runner Up
4.) The Perfectionist
5.) Always Someone Better
I've finally stopped being a 'Romantic Runner Up'. Matthew and me are still together, going strong. There finally isn't another girl in the shadows that he'd prefer to be with. I finally don't feel like a guy is only with me because he couldn't get his number one choice. And boy that feels good. The stepford smiler syndrome has also lightened up by a lot ever since I hooked up with Matthew. He was the one that pointed it out to me that I was a stepford smiler. It was a realization that bothered me as much as it bothered him. For me, being a stepford smiler goes hand-in-hand with being a people pleaser. People pleasing is one hell of a dangerous disease.
However, I still struggle every day with perfectionism, wanting to be special, and feeling like there is always someone better. I want my life to be worthy of my parents, my family, and my boyfriend being proud. Some part of me feels like I have to, yknow, make up for leaving college and my job back at the school and the only way to do that, the only way to truly be redeemed, is to be a success story, is to work my ass off every day until I'm a success story.
People say I work too hard. I'm actually better now than I used to be, like much better. I take breaks to watch anime or Let's Plays and talk to people and eat candy while I blankly stare out the window. I hang with my boyfriend. But I won't deny that I probably do work too much. In my mind, it's not enough work.
And I think the deep void in my soul or heart or whateverthehell always gets darker when I start thinking of shit like, "It's not enough." Then I start thinking of how witty this guy is or beautiful this girl is or blah blah blah.
Sometimes I'm sure I'm getting a lot better and that I'm confidently becoming that girl I've always dreamed of being, but other times it's like I'm terrified. Like I almost want to delete this post and forego publishing it altogether. I'm araid that everyone will see...everyone will think that I'm frail. I don't want to be underestimated. I don't want to be told to change. I don't want to be pitied. I've survived a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have. I *know* I'm not defunct and weak.
So I'm gonna publish this rambly post that has all my top fears and problems and let you all see what I've been silently holding inside. Here are two videos that make me happy:
And you know what? I can put this up and get these thoughts out. It's time I fully accept myself, enough so to talk about things that bother me on this here personal blog. So here it is...
Maybe it started with all those romance books, where the heroine would always be so 'special' that this guy would fall head over heels for her no matter what she said or did. Maybe it was all the video games, where the main character was special enough to be chosen to rescue everyone. Either way, by the time I got to high school, I was a terrible mixture of the following:
1.) Stepford Smiler
2.) I just want to be special
3.) Romantic Runner Up
4.) The Perfectionist
5.) Always Someone Better
I've finally stopped being a 'Romantic Runner Up'. Matthew and me are still together, going strong. There finally isn't another girl in the shadows that he'd prefer to be with. I finally don't feel like a guy is only with me because he couldn't get his number one choice. And boy that feels good. The stepford smiler syndrome has also lightened up by a lot ever since I hooked up with Matthew. He was the one that pointed it out to me that I was a stepford smiler. It was a realization that bothered me as much as it bothered him. For me, being a stepford smiler goes hand-in-hand with being a people pleaser. People pleasing is one hell of a dangerous disease.
However, I still struggle every day with perfectionism, wanting to be special, and feeling like there is always someone better. I want my life to be worthy of my parents, my family, and my boyfriend being proud. Some part of me feels like I have to, yknow, make up for leaving college and my job back at the school and the only way to do that, the only way to truly be redeemed, is to be a success story, is to work my ass off every day until I'm a success story.
People say I work too hard. I'm actually better now than I used to be, like much better. I take breaks to watch anime or Let's Plays and talk to people and eat candy while I blankly stare out the window. I hang with my boyfriend. But I won't deny that I probably do work too much. In my mind, it's not enough work.
And I think the deep void in my soul or heart or whateverthehell always gets darker when I start thinking of shit like, "It's not enough." Then I start thinking of how witty this guy is or beautiful this girl is or blah blah blah.
Sometimes I'm sure I'm getting a lot better and that I'm confidently becoming that girl I've always dreamed of being, but other times it's like I'm terrified. Like I almost want to delete this post and forego publishing it altogether. I'm araid that everyone will see...everyone will think that I'm frail. I don't want to be underestimated. I don't want to be told to change. I don't want to be pitied. I've survived a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have. I *know* I'm not defunct and weak.
So I'm gonna publish this rambly post that has all my top fears and problems and let you all see what I've been silently holding inside. Here are two videos that make me happy:
Oh, that's how I feel most of the time.
I find myself smile and trying to please everyone at school, but once I'm home... It's as if the life waaas sucked out of me. I'm lost- It's a routine to seem happy, to do work, and ranter away with insecurities in my head at school. At home, it's ten times worse... You said you've evolved, but if you don't mind, would you post how you got to where you are now?
Ah, sounds just like me when I was still in school. You get so good at that smile, but it's draining you day by day until, before you know it, the energy is gone.
Thank you for responding! I don't get a whole lot of readers here.
Actually, I wouldn't mind putting up a blog post about how I got where I am and how I still have a long ways to go. I've had quite a few terribly depressive and anxious phases, but I made it through.
You've come much farther than you believe, Tiff. Trust me. Even in the fleeting and distanced conversations I've had with you, the sparing updates, I can tell. You are a remarkable girl. Where others your age are out partying and celebrating in their new-found adulthood with absolutely no ambition or care, whereas others your age shallowly go through guys like Kleenex, you are clawing your way to something great. Dare to dream, Tiffany, because you have the ability to make it happen. And you have the vast majority of your life ahead of you. One day, these years of your life will be part of a biography, the prelude to greatness. I don't have faith in much in this world, but I do have faith in this.
Thank you so very much. ^_^
Communicating like this in a somewhat public arena is a really good and therapeutic thing. I think very highly of you, and I admire you in a lot of ways, but what always matters most is what you think of yourself.
I used to think there was this perfect version of myself I was always trying to reach, that one day I'd be able to sit down and say "I did it." But the truth is, you never reach that perfect person. She doesn't exist, so you have to enjoy you are and what you are and always strive for that little bit more and enjoy the journey along the way. I think that's what you're doing. :)